You probably don’t know, but at the moment I’m living with my grandmother, Mamaw. As you probably also don’t know, I’m not christian. Actually I don’t really believe in anything. Ah, but Mamaw is a die-hard christian. Now you must know that she goes to church every sunday and has faith classes on wednesday and the r.o.c. on friday. She hates that I don’t believe in god. Ahaha, but I hate that there are times when she is racist. The past month or so she has been trying to change me. I like to wear my long-sleeved sweaters all the time. Even during summer. I like to listen to my music all the time. I like to be on the internet. I like to have my children(animals) visit all the time. I REALLY like bringing stray animals in and making them only like me. Oh, and I love to eat. She, on the other hand, says long-sleeves are for cold weather. Okay, I can handle that. She says I play my music too loud. I can barely hear it. So I turn it down. She says I need to get up and help her, that’s what I’m here for. I do. Just when she doesn’t need me I like to be on the internet. She says I can’t have my children over too much because they don’t like her. Well, what does she expect? They were all strays at one point and they only like me(Although they do like Minjee). She says I can feed the outside cats but I can’t bring them in. Why not? They’re sweet and adorable little children. Sure, I have Chullie and Saja(Sweety) but I’m really used to having cats.

I have changed alot since I first came here. Mostly for the better, as I’ve been trying to change my personality so I don’t come off as a complete anti-social(Although I am). I don’t mind changing when I’m the one trying to change myself. Fine, I’ll do everything she says because Minjee says I have to, but I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, change my religion. Lately she’s been trying to force me to go with her to church. I can’t. I just can’t. I’ve changed too much for her sake. I’m getting tired of not being myself. I’ve decided. I’m going back to my old self. I’ve tried, I really have. Hu~ I’m just so tired. I want to be myself for once. I want to be Anti-social. I want to openly hate people again. I REALLY want to be able to go back to being myself. I miss saying what was on my mind. In the recent months I have gained so many problems. I’m used to saying the things that I think. I can deal with the lack of sleep. I’m used to it, me being an insomniac. I can deal with cutting down on my eating, because she’s trying to diet. I can deal with so many things, but there is a breaking point. I’m about to break.

Maybe it’s for the best if I do. I should just let her break me. I should give in. I’m tired… too tired to resist. Maybe tonight I’ll go to the r.o.c. with her. Maybe, I’ll just become a zombie like everyone else. Hahaha~ wouldn’t it be better than trying to fight someone 24/7? I’ll become just another person who wakes up and follows the crowd. That’s what she wants. That is what everyone wants.

I’ve been up for four days now, and my mind isn’t clear. I really need to sleep soon. As minjee has told me countless times, it isn’t good for my health. I miss her.

 

On a happier note, Minjee and Youngwoon and their Mom and Dad are comeing back tomorrow. Maybe I’ll visit and she’ll help me figure it all out. Tired~~~